Wiped Out

First, I realize that this post will once again deal in the delicate matter of canine bodily produced waste. I apologize if this offends anyone.... uh... wait a second -- no, I don't. If you don't like it, don't read it. It's high time someone realize that most of the organic world poops! Just about everybody! Someone should write a book about that, perhaps with a simple, funny, meaningful because it 'tells the whole story" title!

Get on it.

Moving on, there are some things i do in the middle of the middle -- Missouri -- that I don't do elsewhere. Things like:

* scoff at the coasts
* fear the onset of scurvy
* discuss the Civil War as if it's a contemporary political issue
* mutter at people in Yiddish
* talk about hunting deer
* curse at the lack of poop on the horizon
* hunt... for vegetables and fruit... and the exceedingly rare (yummy) raw fish
* praise the mighty, sudden, rank but long-awaited appearance of poop
* wonder why god hates me because she clearly is inficting punishment, by making it hot out.. which quickly softens and renders more nasty aforementioned poop
* talk about frogs
* make a tearful public spectacle of myself, as i drop newspapers and soda cans in the garbage
* eat nachos, because it includes three of the food groups (bread, protein, and vegetables -- if the jarred- jalapenos are in season)
* call San Francisco "Frisco"
* call Chicago "Chi-town"
* call Saint Louis "the City"
* clean a dog's ass with a wet-wipe

Let's talk about that last one for a bit.

Jenn, she of the wild Jai shepherding chill but crazy chickdog.... wipes her dog's ass. I'm talking about the anus. I'm speaking directly of the icky little dank hole under the tale, from where the poop apparently emerges. She wipes it, Jenn does. Every. Single. Time. Jai. Poops. Why, oh why god? Deliver me from this evil.

WARNING -- INTERNAL DIALOGUE AHEAD:

Okay, so Jenn wipes. M,aybe she likes to wipe it? No, she said she doesn't. She just does it, and, um. That doesn't mean that I have to do it too, right? If Jenn jumped off the roof, would I? (beat) Maybe. What does Jenn say?

I decided to investigate. I sat down with Jenn, and asked her, Wherefore? Why?

Jenn:
I do it because Jai licks me and Jai also licks herself, and I don't want to get poop on my mouth. And I sleep next to her. Clean is better.

me:
Ew.

I looked down at that moment and Jai sat, looking freshly scrubbed and smelling of dafodils. Meantime, two feet away, Chewie sniffed her southern hemisphere, after dropping the muddy twig she'd been gnawing. She finished with a snort (Chewie, not my dear new friend Jenn) and looked at me. "Yessirree!" she probably thought. "Lick 'em if you've got 'em."

And at that moment, I changed from a slightly odd and mildly creative, open-minded and -hearted dude with a blessed many pals, and fevered optimism, to a slightly odd and mildly creative, open-minded and -hearted dude with a blessed many pals, and fevered optimism, who wipes his service dog's ass every time she drops one.

The end!

Good story, eh?

Song of the Post: "Shake Your Rump" by the Beastie Boys.

So, here's some video of the CuCuCaChew, having a little fun. Shannon as cinematographer. Chewie as herself; me as ass-wiping leash holder.