In My Head

Sorry I've been a bit late, not posting.... I'm busy trying to keep my blood sugar level while training a dog to sniff out lows. Interesting, isn't it, that the best weeklong stretch of control I've had, has been here -- in the company of Fellow Diabetics, where I'm safest to crash, where the lowness will ultimately HELP me avoid the torn jeans and bloody knees, the wild conversations or slow digital audio editing, the sprints to the mountain dew machine and ninety minute phone conversations with flo, -- will help such avoidance by prepping a dog for duty?

It is an odd thing to be around diabetics... to see people dial their pumps or fill syringes and prick their fingers -- things I mostly do privately. It's all whipped out here. And it is an odd thing. Neal, on the first night -- who's only been diagnosed about five years -- said that right away, how 'understood' he felt. And I hadn't -- don't -- feel MISunderstood... not now anyway. (During the surgeries was another story -- though I had an exceptional teammate, guiding me, and good friends who while they couldn't completely get it, did a fraternal job trying... and family, doing the same...).

But as time has gone on -- this now ten days here feels like fifty, on many fronts -- some obvious, some less so -- I have been noticing the diabetic cameraderie more. It's intriguing. Community always is -- it's why I love cities -- with the vast and various options for community, about items tiny and voluminous.

I have spoken about diabetes with teenagers before, when i was just passed teenagerhood myself. I found it rewarding. But i also had, at the time -- not as much now, though a bit -- some unresolved, untethered notions about this disease, how it came to me (and comes to others), how I feel about it (and how others feel -- both about my being a diabetic, in how it affects my relations to them -- and, how other diabetics might feel insofar as it affects them, every second of every day -- and changes, however unnoticeably to the non-diabetic world, how they relate and talk to, date, kiss, get angry at, laugh with, and process life's valleys and hills and hills and valleys. It affects the hard ground just below your foot, as well as the horizon. And only those who get that end up being close with me -- even though I have a cornucopia of friends -- god, am I blessed -- and many of them haven't had overt discussions about this stuff with me. Which is fine -- I bring it up as needed, and 31 years down river, the rapids have smoothed. (How many metaphors in one paragraph? Many metaphors in one paragraph. I'm high on caffeine, as Chewie chews a ribeye bone, safe and dirty). (Just like I like it). I need not process this stuff every day. I do it when needed, with whom I choose. Dating someone new brings it up. Friending someone new has it rise. Seeing a friend or family member I haven't seen in a bit raises the notion. But generally, friends might hear me say, "I was low today, here's what happened..." or see me whip out a syringe... but it's not a front-burner-topic.

Though it's always in my head -- it must be, for good health, and anyone who loves me, or might so love, learns to be grateful for that "in my head"-ness.

And that's why being here is cool, even aside from the furry lunatic at my feet.