The Scanvenger Hunt

Hello friends; hello family:

Dog camp is fun. Today we had a scavenger hunt. It was neat. But also boring. All the parents and kids were there. We had to find stuff and take funny pictures. We went to the state capital building and ice cream shops and different stores and the mall and Lowe's and the Post Office and a park and a mansion and other places. It was very hot. The dogs were hot. The people were hot too. We were all hot. Have i mentioned the heat? It was more warm than it is on the surface of the sun. I learned about the sun in science class. I also learned about the equator, and Jefferson City appears to be on it. Seriously: someone call Al Gore because there seems to be an emergency here. So, yes, it was hot and we all sweated a lot. Some of the kids didn't wear shoes. Everyone smelled. Especially the dogs. And the kids' feet. And the adults' underarms. And clothing. The dogs were all panting. Everyone drove around Jefferson City trying to fund the things we had to find. I wanted to go back to the hotel. I miss San Francisco. I wanted ice cream but didn't have any because Chewie took too long to walk to the ice cream parlor because of her broken toe. When we got there everyone was finished. The carbon footprint of a dozen people driving around Jefferson City for a scavenger hunt must be more steep than a shoot for a Hummer ad. Chewie was very warm and her toe hurted her and I had to lift her into the back seat of Shannon's car every time we got in, and every time we got out I had to lift her too, so she wouldn't get her toe hurted again. Actually, it was very sad when I lifted her because she wanted to scamper like her friends the other dogs, but she could not scamper. She could only walk slow. And pant. A lot. Gwen was in the front seat with Shannon and she panted a lot too. But at least she didn't have to walk very slow in the hot hot amazonian surface of the sun oppresive to high heaven heat. Does god hate me? Is that why it's hot? The heat! Why the heat? Woe is me. And woe is Chewie. And Chewie's toe. Sometimes I call her Chewchew and people laugh. The dogs laugh too though I know they think I'm weird. Picking up poop in the thousand degree inferno of a weather system here is gross. Seriously, it's disgusting. I can't imagine wanting to do that. Golly, was the scavenger hunt a smelly game. My nose almost melted. We were split into two teams for the scavenger hunt. Our team was the best team, and we won. We kept finding stuff, even though we were bored. Some of the parents on our team really wanted to win. What a sad commentary on fulfillment. I was carrying Chewie a lot and drank more water than anyone else. I wished I could pee on the grass too, from all the water. But I couldn't. One of the dogs on the other team pooped in Wal-Mart (for real! I'm not pretending!) and got in trouble. I'm glad Chewie didn't do that. It would be so embarassing! If she did poop in a store, I'd hope it's not a bookstore. And I'd punish her: I'd save up my allowance for a toe removal operation. Or change her real name to Chewbacca. In court. (For real!)

Back in adult human mode:

If you want to continue with your boredom, check out the following: On top is video of Gwen, Shannon, Chewie and I on left, on one of our car treks. Gwen is gorgeous, and she whines cutely, and when Shannon gets out of the car, Gwen follows her closesly with her human green eyes, and sometimes whimpers. She kills me. Chewie would nibble her tail if I let her, though Gwen's an alpha and would rip her a new one. (And one thing Chewwoman does not need is a new one. She does splendidly with this one. Just ask the parkway outside the grocery store. Holy Toledo).

Below, a thirsty labradoodle in the most unnatural of habitats -- a scorching sidewalk in the middle of America. NASA would have a tough time engineering heat shields to protect against this heat. The video itself? Might be the most boring 45 seconds in the history of humankind. Or puppykind.

And third and perhaps least, a brief, mind-numbing video of our winning, UVA-ray sucking squad of sweating smelly scavengers. Yay. We are inanely on a baseball diamond. Standing there like Civil War statues. For ten seconds. We drove there for twenty minutes; it took ten to get in place (and find my camera, which was hidden in my pocket), and we stayed for ten seconds. Earth will explode several days early because of our CO2 emissions.

And whose tuchus do I have to smooch to find a recycling bin? Honestly. We could build a missile defense shield with all of the Dr Pepper cans i see dripping over themselves in the garbage here. Double-u to the tee to the F?